MotoGP: Stoner the Faker

Yankee Quacks have diagnosed Casey Stoner's mystery illness as gastritis and anaemia.

In other words, they think he's faking it. Telling someone they have gastritis and anaemia just means they claim to have sore guts and are a little pale and tired, but tests show nothing unusual.

Doctors say that kind of thing to make you sod off.

Doctor House (with his Nicky Hayden replica Repsol Honda) would run a battery of tests, order some medicine, realize the medicine is killing the patient, order some different tests, look into the mid distance, and realize that you have some kind of illness that is found once every 5 years in the entire world's population of 6 billion.

Real doctors just want you to get lost and stop bugging them so they can go and play golf.

American quacks tend to order more tests than those in other countries, because American quacks are liable to be sued for 20 trillion dollars at least 12 times a year, and ordering tons of tests tends to make them look better in court, reducing their malpractise insurance premiums. (This is why the USA spends more on health care than anyone else, yet has one of the worst healthcare systems in the world. In most countries if you showed up in hospital with a sore finger they'd tell you to get stuffed, in the States you'd get $60,000 worth of CT and MRI scans.) And even American quacks couldn't find anything wrong with Casey. For gastritis he should avoid spicy food and eat some ginger, for anaemia he should eat some black pudding (a.k.a. blood pudding or blood sausage. Lovely stuff.)

So poor little Casey still hasn't had a decent diagnosis (i.e. one of something that's easily cured.) Hopefully he gets his stuff together, eats some medium-rare 'roo burgers to up his iron content and stops chucking up in his crash hat. Somebody needs to keep Vale and Horhay honest up at the front.

So long, Sete.

So long, Sete Gibernau. Don't let the door hit you in the arse on the way out. His dodgy builder-sponsored Ducati will no longer appear in MotoGP after the team ran out of money.

Almost-legend Sete Gibernau decided to sully his reputation by returning to MotoGP after retiring for ever a couple of years ago. The theatrical Spaniard had turned from a journeyman into a star when he suddenly found form and started challenging Valentino Rossi for the world title. He was a damn sight better than some of the guys who luck into championships, but them's the breaks.

Ever stroppy and melodramatic, he was finally destroyed by the legendary Gypsy Curse hurled at him by Rossi. The Italian superstar was livid at being given a grid penalty at Qatar when his team did scooter burnouts on his grid spot to increase grip, and his hatred was levelled at Gibernau. Rossi announced that poor Gibbers would never win another race, and lo it came to pass that Sete never won another race. (Rossi has evil powers, you know. He was last seen sticking pins into the gut of a Casey Stoner voodoo doll...)

Gibernau switched to Ducati, and looked pretty quick until he rammed his brake lever into the back of team-mate Loris Capirossi's bike at Catalunya, flipping over forwards (Mythbusters take note) and skittling Capirex and Melandri among others. To compound the hilarity, Gibernau's ambulance crashed at low speed on the way to hospital.

Ironically, it was Casey Stoner, the tiny tearaway who stole Sete's Ducati ride, who put the Spaniard out of MotoGP by crashing in front of him, causing Sete to hop off and break his collar bone for the 90th time.

Gibbers was finally tempted back to MotoGP by the prospect of a satellite Ducati jointly sponsored by Spain's dodgiest builder and Africa's dodgiest dictator. Apparently El Presidente of Guinea Ecuatorial had been stringing the team along, as has happened to hundreds of no-hoper squads in the past, and the cheques were permanently lost in the post.

And so it ended. The Abba Fernando Ducati squad are no more. Buh-bye, now.

BSB Knockhill 09: Camier Doubles

Lanky Leon Camier crushed the opposition with a double victory at Knockhill in the British Superbike championship meeting, extending his lead in the title race.

Stuart Easton nicked a couple of podiums at his home track on the Hydrex Honda, taking 2nd and 3rd places in two races. The Hydrex squad are doing brilliantly this year with the little Scotsman, making the far bigger HM Plant Honda team look like muppets.

Leading HM Plant muppet was Josh Brookes, looking seriously quick as he grabbed 3rd and 2nd places. The Aussie's rehabilitation from breaking Sylvain Guintoli's leg (accidentally of course) is continuing apace. He's really getting to grips with the bike and the twisty British tracks.

Brookesy's immensely popular team-mate and countryman, Glen Richards, was far less lucky. He made one of his very rare errors in qualifying, clipped another bike on the run to the hairpin and ended up with a broken femur. Luckily for the former British Superstock and Supersport champ, it was an uncomplicated break, and he could be racing again in 6 to 8 weeks. Get well soon.

The racing wasn't great, but it never is a Knockhill. It's great for spectators, with loads of elevation changes giving plenty of good viewing spots. However, it's far too tight for Superbikes, with a lap time of something like 49 seconds. There are hardly any places to overtake, as Brookes found out when he finished 3rd to Easton in the first race after shadowing the little Borders man for pretty much the entire 30 laps.

Still, Camier was stunning, while Easton and Brookesy were by far the best of the rest.

MotoGP, WSBK, BSB End of May Weekend Roundup

There was a whole lot of racing going on at the weekend. Here are a few of the highlights.

125cc GP: Bradley Smith took his 2nd victory at Mugello. At first, he was quick but crashed a lot, then he was quick but didn't race that hard, now he seems to be both quick and a hard racer. Also, Scott Redding, who is at least a foot taller this year than last, did well to finish the race at all. He had a massive highside but somehow landed back on the bike. A great race.

250cc GP: Mattia Pasini won a truly stunning wet race. He was in 3rd place when the guys in front had a bit of an incident. Marco "Afro" Simoncelli hit Alvaro "Raving psycho" Bautista, and the two rivals went on a terrifying gravel trap excursion at 100mph. Simoncelli came off best (and got an official warning), and had a major last lap battle with Pasini, but it was the less lanky, non-Afro Italian who won the race on his hideous pink Aprilia. Bautista settled for 3rd after a massive moment where he basically did a Scott Redding, having a huge almost-crash but landing back on the bike. Brilliant stuff.

MotoGP: Casey Stoner took the win, and it was very impressive. It was one of those bike-swap races that should be ridiculous but are really utter genius. Marco Melandri was going brilliantly in the wet, but the rebadged Kwak was a pile of garbage in the dry. Jorge Lorenzo finished a brilliant 2nd with Valentino Rossi 3rd, losing at Mugello for the first time in 7 years. Time to retire, you old git! (Kidding, obviously.)

WSBK: Ben Spies took a record 7th pole position in a row and did the double too. The racing wasn't all that great, not helped by the atrocious camerawork that mainly had us looking at a wide shot of about 27 bikes in front of the distant mountains, wondering who was in which position. Michel Fabrizio had a decent day, as did Johnny Rea. Leon Haslam nearly had a decent 2nd race, but spoiled it by crashing out of 4th place half way round the last lap. Oops.

BSB: Leon Camier continues to destroy the opposition. He's just outrageously fast on that Yamaha, and is pretty much doing a Ben Spies in the British Superbike series. His team-mate James Ellison did well to follow his team leader home, while comic book supervillain Josh Brookes took a brilliant 3rd place in race 2, still protesting his innocence in the Guintoli crash.