MotoGP Armchair Awards 2007

Here are the MotoGP awards that the so-called journalists don't give, so it's up to this ranting blogger.


Deja Vu All Over Again Award
for failing to change the bloody record
Winner: Casey Stoner
Casey was a revelation in 2007. Sure, the Ducati's the best bike, but tiny superhero Loris had one too, and he didn't run off with the world title. It was amazing to see the babyfaced Aussie racking up statistics that put him up with the true greats. For a while. Then it started to get a bit dull. With his challengers' challenges misfiring horribly due to poor machinery, tyres and taxes, Stoner just couldn't stop winning by miles. At least Rossi used to play with his opponents before destroying them. You're brilliant, Casey. Just try to entertain us a bit more from now on!

Michael Jackson Award
for living in an alternate reality
Winners: Casey Stoner Fans
At the last GP in Valencia, miniscule robo-genius Dani Pedrosa was fastest for the entire weekend. He was truly incredible, wringing times out of the Honda that it just didn't want to do. In the race, he blew everybody away. So why the hell do Stoner fans keep claiming that Casey let Dani win, just to annoy Rossi by pushing him to 3rd in the championship? Stoner is clearly the kind of rider that considers 2nd place to be the fastest of the pathetic, waste-of-space losers. I'm damned if he's ever finished 2nd voluntarily in his life, or ever will. Valentino Rossi is no different, 2nd place may as well be 35,oooth place as far as he's concerned. So come on, Stoner fans. Admit that on that day in Valencia, the best (and tiniest) man won.


Paper Bag Award
for saving us from the sight of Uccio's face
Winner: Adriana Stoner
During the Rossi era, we have been subjected to TV directors constantly cutting to Valentino's pit garage, where our senses were assaulted by the sight of Vale's tubby, identically-dressed best pal Allessio "Uccio" Salucci. Now, I'm sure Uccio is a nice lad, but it was always somewhat distressing to be watching him instead of the race. However, this year we rarely saw the Italian chubster. I would've settled for a paper bag on his head, but instead we were treated to something far better: Adriana Stoner. The Australian stunner makes the grid girls look like a real pack of growlers, and it was never anything other than a pleasure to see her beautiful visage instead of a bunch of guys zooming around in circles on motorcycles.

Ninja Turtle Award
for the most bodacious display of awesomeness, dude!
Winner: John Hopkins
Dude, those stand-up wheelies were, like, totally awesome! I mean... Dude! It was a good year for Hopper as he moved ever closer to the front of the pack on his Suzuki. Even better were the hundreds of yards long, stand-up wheelies that the Anglo-Californian treated us to whenever possible. Let's hope he has reason to do even more of them next year, when he will actually be dressed in green and sitting on a bike with "Ninja" painted on it.

You Are Feeling Sleepy Award
for best display of hypnosis
Winner: Colin Edwards
How does Colin keep getting rides in MotoGP? Don't get me wrong, I like Colin a lot. He's clearly one of the nicest and funniest guys in the paddock. He was an outstanding World Superbike rider, but probably moved to MotoGP a bit too late. Since then, he has amassed a grand total of zero victories and spent much of his time being outclassed by Valentino Rossi, keeping younger riders out of a seat. For the 2008 season, Yamaha have parachuted him into the Tech 3 team. The only explanation I can think of is that Colin is an expert in hypnosis. When the team bosses sit him down to fire him at the end of the year, he says "Look into my eyes... Y'all are feeling very sleepy... When y'all wake up, y'all will think I am a real great development rider, I tell you what..." Before they know it, they are holding a notarized copy of Colin's cast-iron contract and wondering what the hell they were drinking last night.

Versailles Treaty Award
for giving the Germans a good kicking when they're down
winner: Sylvain Guintoli
Poor old Alex Hofmann. Not only is he not that quick, but he also had a terrible year for injuries. Firstly, a friend slammed one of his hands in a car door (Zees ees ein funny German joke, ja?) Then he had to put up with Flying Frog Sylvain Guintoli's act of revenge for Germany's repeated invasions of La France. The Frenchman might have been taking thinking lessons from his countryman Randy de Puniet as he braked about a hundred yards too late at the Laguna Seca Corkscrew, slamming into the hapless Hofmann and stabbing him through the hand with his brake lever. The German was furious, especially since the American marshals failed to call for medical help (the radio frequency was too congested with their supersized lunch orders.) Hofmann's boss Luis d'Antin was so outraged that he fired the German and hired Sylvain. Expect to see Alex developing the new BMW Superbike in a new quest for world domination.

Kurtis Roberts Award
for being as slow and stupid as Kurtis Roberts
Winner: Kurtis Roberts
The most disgraceful injustice of the 800cc era is the screwing of Team Roberts. King Kenny was stuck with engines that you wouldn't put in a lawnmower as they couldn't reliably produce the required 3bhp. However, the King only made things worse on himself by hiring his son Kurtis. Not only was he slow, but at one point he was downright dangerous. Dim-wittedly shutting off the power on the racing line, and dopily looking round to see who was going to crash into him in a practise session at Laguna Seca was unforgivable. Italian Stallion Marco Melandri drew the short straw, clipping Kurtis and suffering a hideous crash that broke his ankle (being Marco, he still finished 3rd.) Valentino Rossi was so angry that he bitched, "riders who arrive 13th in Superstock should not be allowed into MotoGP." Sorry, Kurtis, but most of us agree with Vale on this one.

Youtube Award
for being as funny as a cat falling into a fish tank
Winner: Dani Pedrosa
MotoGP bikes have a ludicrous amount of electrickery these days. You wanna get the perfect start? Simply press the right buttons, twist the grip all the way round then let go of the clutch. The machine fires itself off the line and heads for the horizon. Except when it all goes a bit wrong. In this Youtube clip, young Dani showed us what happens when you don't press the right buttons. Note John Hopkins in the background aborting his own practise start while he tries to stop laughing.

World Superbike Armchair Awards 2007

Hiroshima Award
for insensitivity to Japanese culture
Winner: Max Biaggi
There are only 3 things you really need to know about Japanese motorcycle racers: firstly that they are barking mad, secondly that they are always going extremely quickly when they fall off, and thirdly that an apology will always make everything OK. Now, Max Biaggi didn't seem to know the latter after he crashed into Nori Haga in Italy. If you smack into a Japanese motorcycling hero then immediately apologize, everything's fine. It's forgotten. He's done it loads of times himself. However, Max claimed he was only partly responsible, causing a simmering feud with Nitro Nori that was totally avoidable. Next time Max, just bow deep and apologize for dishonouring your ancestors, and Nori will forgive you in an instant, and probably apologize for dishonouring his own ancestors by getting in your way.

Dingoes Ate Me Bloody Finger Award
for having a finger disappear in mysterious circumstances
Winner: Troy Bayliss
There can be no argument that Troy Bayliss is an utter genius on a Superbike, right up there with Carl Fogarty. However, he is still an Australian, so we have to assume that his missing finger was eaten by a pack of rabid dingoes at Donington Park. The Aussie was giving it 110% (for a change) when he beat the traction control and fired himself off the bike. When he came to rest, he was missing a chunk of pinkie and had crotch injuries that don't bear thinking about. The fact that he raced at the next round qualifies him as a bloody hero (again).

Greasy Fried Breakfast Award
for giving everybody a heart attack
Winner: Lap 1 at Vallelunga
This little circuit outside Rome was a homecoming for Max Biaggi, but the first lap of race one showed why we watch the World Supers. It was hair-raising stuff that would stop your heart sooner than a huge fried breakfast. First of all, some of the top riders went 4 abreast into a corner. Then Troy Corser forgot to switch on his traction control and suffered a massive highside, forcing Haga and Toseland to swerve crazily around him. Max Neukirchner slammed into the downed Yamaha and flew into a gravel trap. To top it off, James Toseland removed himself from Nori Haga's Christmas card list by slamming into the side of the Samurai of Slide at the last corner. Amazing stuff, if you survived it without a fatal coronary.

Knight In Shining Armour Award
for rescuing a damsel in distress
Winner: Karl Muggeridge
Muggas managed to rescue a fellow Australian from a miserable situation when he took out Troy Bayliss at Brno. It wasn't really Muggeridges fault, as he had been knocked off in an incident with Frog has-been Regis Laconi. However, Karl ended up sliding along the road a long way behind his bike when it skittled Troy Bayliss. Luckily, Bayliss was having a horrible time on the Ducati, which just didn't suit the Brno track. Troy walked over to his countryman in the gravel trap to thank him for ending such a painful race!

Soap Opera Award
for ridiculous, unbelievable storylines
Winner: Sergio Bertocchi
The Italian team boss was eased out of his post with Alto Evolution Honda, but just couldn't let go. He kept showing up in team uniform, prompting Alto Evolution to issue a press release claiming that they'd never seen him before in their lives. Then things took a bizarre twist when the team's truck was hijacked, with the driver escaping and alerting police in Belgium. Or Holland. Somewhere like that, anyway. With the bikes confiscated as evidence, the team missed races and parted company with one of their riders. The trail led straight back to Bertocchi. As it is still under investigation, all I can do is heap praise on Sergio for livening things up and making the F1 spying scandal look even more pathetic than it already did.

Tonka Truck Award
for building an indestructible motorcycle
Winner: Ten Kate Honda
When James Toseland fell off at a wet Silverstone, things looked bad. When he picked the bike up and there was coolant visibly pouring out of it, things looked like they were all over. Toseland jumped back on the bike and rode off. Although he was lapped, the machine incredibly finished the race well into the points, managing most of the distance with no coolant circulating. A truly staggering bit of engineering from Honda and the lads at Ten Kate.

British Superbike Armchair Awards 2007

Welcome to the second annual British Superbike Armchair Awards! Last year's awards were a roaring success (in that I didn't get sued by anybody) so here's the list of people who impressed in the 2007 BSB season.

Flat Hedgehog Award
for getting run over like a champ
Winner: Gregorio Lavilla
If you had to fall off a motorcycle, most people would choose a lowside at the slowest hairpin they could find, somewhere like Croft or Knockhill. However, Spanish superhero Greg Lavilla impressed us all by falling off on lap 1 at Oulton. With visibility stretching to several feet, the other riders failed to see poor Greg and he got squished like a hedgehog in the fast lane. ¡Ay Caramba! Luckily, they make 'em strong in Catalunya, so he made a full recovery, ending the season with a double at Brands.
Runner Up: Marty Nutt
The privateer got run over at Mallory, but still managed to race in the World Supers at Brands. Hard as nails.

Russel Brand Award
for making millions of viewers want to throw up
Winner: Leon Camier
The lanky youngster, who stands between 6'3" and 6'12" depending on what Jack Burnicle washed down his lunch with, did his Evel Knievel impression on the Mountain at Cadwell. An impression of Evel Knievel landing, that is. With a gratuitous slow-mo replay of Camier's leg being tied up in a knot, most of the viewing audience must have been reaching for the sick bag. It ended his season, but he had already shown enough speed to bag a cushy Ducati ride for 2008.

Dukes of Hazzard Award
for most spectactular jump
Winner: Johnny Rea
Not everyone hurt themselves on the Cadwell Mountain. Well, just Camier and Shakey really. Anyway, the person who would have benefited most from a set of Dukes of Hazzard air horns was Johnny Rea. The ex-motocrosser caught some big air over the Mountain every time out, even managing to do a one-handed leap without leaving in an air ambulance. Nutter.

Shakey Byrne Award
for landing on his head at Paddock Hill bend
Winner: Shakey Byrne
For the second year running, Shakey managed to fall off at high speed on Paddock Hill bend at Brands. That's what I call consistency. No wonder GSE snapped him up.

The Dame Edna Award
for best impression of an Australian
Winner: Tom Sykes
"Grinner" had a fantastic debut year on the Stobart Honda, but he amazed us all by firing up the barbie at Brands. He had a bog-standard crash, but the bike then turned into an impressive barbecue. Unfortunately Sykesy didn't have any prawns to cook and it wasn't Bondi Beach, but it was a great attempt from the rookie.

Carbon Copy Award
for exactly repeating another crash
Winner: Ryuichi Kiyonari
At a damp Oulton Park, Johnny Rea managed to get on the gas too early and fling himself off the bike in race 1, letting his team-mate Kiyo grab the victory. Incredibly, Kiyonari used race 2 to demonstrate an exact carbon copy of Rea's crash, getting on the power too soon and flying off the bike at the exact same place. Brilliantly executed, although you don't actually get points for that kind of nonsense in BSB.

Colin McRae Memorial Award
for getting as sideways as hell and damn the consequences
Winner: Johnny Rea
The Melbourne loop at Donington Park might be a daft hairpin, but it's crucial to get it right. Or of course, you can do it like Johnny Rea. Showing the kind of crowd-pleasing spirit associated with Colin McRae, young Johnny went into the corner almost completely sideways and about 20mph too fast. He sailed off into the scenery, clouting Leon Haslam's Ducati on the way past, then got back on track and set off to amaze the crowd some more. That's what it's all about.

World Superbike Armchair Awards

Superman Award
for leaping tall bikes in a single bound
Winner: Alex Barros
In a first lap, first turn melee at Silverstone, there were bikes flying everywhere, at least one of them on fire. Alex Barros got up off the ground and saw a bike sliding straight for him. In an amazing display of calm, the Brazilian hero waited until the right moment, and simply leapt straight up into the air, the bike sliding harmlessly below. It was one of those moments that you'll be seeing on crash videos for ever. What a star.

Christmas Shopper Award
for barging to the front of the queue
Winner: James Toseland
The championship runner up had a real battle with Nori Haga at the Lausitzring. They are two of the most aggressive bike racers in the world, and it was an amazing sight to see them barging past each other just inches apart. Toseland shoved himself into the lead, slammed the door in Haga's face and won the race, like a shopper grabbing that last Nintendo games console off the shelf.

Mr Magoo Award
for failing to see the red lights going out
Winner: Alex Barros
The Brazilian won a race in WSBK. He would have won several more, if he had started within 25 minutes of the pack. Making a truly appalling start at nearly every race, he would then go on to lap right on the pace, but about 15 seconds behind the leaders. Although some say he needed more practise on the bike, I think it's more likely that he couldn't see the lights, and only realized the race had started when everybody else took off.

Dingoes Ate Me Bloody Bike Award
for managing to lose a Ducati 999F06
Winner: Troy Bayliss
It was a fantastic year for the popular Aussie. He won the WSBK title, won a MotoGP race, and had a hilarious ongoing argument with the post-race interviewer about exactly how many pole positions he had taken. However, his best achievement was at the rain-soaked Dutch round at Assen. Falling off his bike at high speed, he slid along the wet grass for a distance measured in hundreds of yards. When he got up, his bike was nowhere to be seen. At first it seemed that the Ducati may have been eaten by wild dingoes, but it was later found where it had come to rest after the crash, somewhere in Belgium.

Nil Illegitimum Carborundum Award
for not letting the b*****ds grind you down
Winner: Chris Walker
It was a difficult year for The Stalker on the Kawasaki, and it looked like getting even worse in the flooded Assen race where he was pushed into the gravel in turn one. Chris is made of stern stuff, and he trundled through the kitty litter, back onto the track and started to put in some quick laps. He stayed on the bike when others fell off, he overtook people, and finally took the lead from Andrew Pitt. Assen is just a ferry ride away from England, and hundreds of Stalker's fans were in the stands. They went crazy when the hugely popular rider won the race. Last into the first turn, first out of the final turn, possibly a first for WSBK, and it was all down to Walker's guts and determination.

Ruben Xaus Award
for services to the carbon fibre industry
Winner: Ruben Xaus
Xaus, or Captain Chaos as some have taken to calling him, is always quick and always entertaining. Every corner looks like a narrowly-avoided crash. Except the ones where he really does crash. The Catalan wasn't on a fast bike, but he was still hugely impressive at several rounds. On top of that, he's one of WSBK's great characters. We salute you Ruben, and long may you walk away from all of your crashes.

Pirelli Memorial Award
in memory of a Pirelli tyre lost in the line of duty
Winner: Regis Laconi
The Frenchman flew off the track in his home round at Magny Cours due to tyre trouble, but he went back into the pits and had a new rear tyre fitted. Why bother, when he was so far down the order he had no hope of scoring points? Because he had to do his traditional end of year burnout in front of his adoring fans at the Adelaide hairpin. This is the second time that he has had a new tyre fitted especially for the celebratory burnout, instead of meekly pulling into the pit garage and retiring. That's what they call dedication.

British Superbike Armchair Awards

Now it's time to reward the stars of the British Superbike Championship for their achievements during 2006.

Incredible Hulk Award
for the best display of superhuman strength
Winner: Karl Harris
Tip a couple of beers down any bike racer's neck and he'll tell you about all the times he's saved the bike from crashing by putting his knee down and lifting the machine back up. Ask for the video and you'll just hear various reasons why the camera missed it. Burly Yorkshireman Karl Harris did it for real in turn 1 at Silverstone, right in front of the TV cameras. Losing the front end, he dug his knee into the tarmac, picked the bike up, put it back on two wheels and rode off as if nothing had happened. Incredible.

¡Ay Caramba! Award
for scariest moment captured on TV
Winner: Gregorio Lavilla
Greg had a minor collision with Karl Harris at the beginning of the back straight at Brands Hatch. It wasn't until the braking zone when he found out that the collision had ripped his brake lever off. The Spanish star had no option but to hop off the bike at well over 100mph. Luckily Greg was OK, but his championship hopes were over.

Cor, Blimey Guv'nor! Award
for scariest moment not captured on TV
Winner: Shane "Shakey" Byrne
Shakey had "a bit of a moment" in a practise session for the Snetterton rounds, when a vital part of the brakes fell off. Bad enough at any time, but especially bad when you're doing 187mph at the end of a kilometre-long straight. Seeing a tyre wall approaching fast, Shakey hopped off the bike. He was knocked out, battered and bruised, but thankfully made a full recovery.

Where The Hell Did You Come From? Award
for appearing from nowhere and winning a race
Winner: Leon Haslam
The weather for race 2 at Croft was horrific, with everybody tippy-toeing around the track. Leon Haslam was in 11th place on lap 1. Karl Harris pulled out a good lead, and looked a dead cert for the victory. That was until Haslam decided that he could go a second a lap faster than everybody else. And he did. He started the last lap 1.4 seconds behind Karl Harris, and incredibly passed him for the victory, setting fastest lap as he took the chequered flag. A stunning way to take his first victory of the year.

Dukes of Hazzard Award
for most spectacular jump
Winner: Shane "Shakey" Byrne
I'm not sure if Shakey yelled "yeeee-harrr!" when his bike took off over the mountain at Cadwell Park, but it was an amazing sight as he flew through the air all crossed up, and swerved all over the place when he landed. Just to even things out, Lady Luck made him fall off a couple of laps later. Such is life.

The Terminator Award
for using the least number of words on the way to a title
Winner: Ryuichi Kiyonari
He might not speak much English, but he does at least have a huge smile on his face after a good result. With 11 victories this year, he was smiling a lot. Like the Terminator, he was unstoppable. The young Japanese rider has gained a huge number of fans in Britain for his outright speed and guts in the last couple of years. A worthy champion.

MotoGP Armchair Awards

Well, that's it for 2006. The winter testing ban has started, so there will be nothing happening in MotoGP until 2007. It's time to look back at the season and honour the great performers with the MotoGP Armchair Awards.

Leonardo da Vinci Award
for being history's greatest genius
Winner: Valentino Rossi
OK, he panicked at Valencia, wheelying off the grid then chucking his bike down the road. However, he shouldn't have been anywhere near the title after being 51 points down. Engine failures, tyre failures, Elias-shaped dents in bodywork, new 2006 chassis so dog-slow they went back to the 2005 model, it all went wrong for The Doctor this year. Still he led the title chase into the last round, and only lost by a handful of points. The fact that he didn't win the championship just shows that Lady Luck doesn't care whether you're history's greatest genius or not.

What's Your Name, Sonny? Award
for the top Rookie in the big boys' class
Winner: Dani Pedrosa
Little teeny-tiny Dani. Too small to ride a 990cc MotoGP Missile. Won't last a race distance. Honda are just letting him trundle around on a 990cc bike until the new 800cc Pedrosa Rules come in. Well, that's what most people were thinking about the half-pint world champion (250cc isn't exactly half a pint, but close enough). Wrong, wrong, wrong. Two dominant victories and a bunch of podiums, including one at Sepang when he couldn't even walk after a massive highside. An incredible debut year.

Dr Frankenstein Award
for defying the laws of nature
Winner: Marco Melandri
After being battered, bruised and knocked out cold at Catalunya, Marco showed his utter contempt for medical science by racing again at the very next GP. Truly a man of steel.
Special Mention: Loris Capirossi
Suffering rib injuries in the same accident, little Capirex also refused to take any sick days, despite being barely able to breathe. Great stuff.

Emotional Homecoming Award
for the best performance in a home race
Winner: Chris Vermeulen
Chris had already shown his speed in the wet on the Suzuki, taking a pole position in Turkey. In the crazy dry-wet-drying race at Philip Island, Australia, Vermeulen fought through the field to take a memorable 2nd place and reward his Suzuki mechanics for their hard work.

Twist Grip Award
for giving it a handful
Winner: Marco Melandri
For the victory celebration at Philip Island, where he screeched round the final turn sideways with smoke pouring from the rear tyre, and his free hand in the air. Enough said.

Oh My God!!! Award
for making 300 million people gasp simultaneously
Winner: Dani Pedrosa
Never in a million years did anybody expect the teeny Spaniard to chuck his bike at Nicky Hayden in the Estoril GP. One of those moments that you still can't believe after seeing it 25 times.

Can I Borrow Your Pen? Award
for inking a new contract with a top team when everybody had written you off
Winner: Toni Elias
After 15/17ths of a terrible season, Toni's win at Estoril guaranteed him a top Honda seat in 2007. Not only did he beat Rossi, but his outrageous sideways braking over wet kerbs amazed even The Doctor himself.
Special Mention: Colin Edwards
His stint as Rossi's tailgunner kept the Texan Tornado in MotoGP (and out of WSBK) for another year. Well done.

Steel Toecap Award
for the team that repeatedly shoots itself in the foot without causing serious injury
Winner: HRC Repsol Honda
How on earth HRC managed to grab the title with Hayden is one of life's great mysteries. They made Nicky race Pedrosa's experimental 2007 bike, with a clutch made of marzipan, and they forgot to tell Dani that you don't hit your team-mate even if you're Honda's golden boy. Bullets were ricocheting off HRC's foot in all directions.

Dropping Mirror On Black Cat While Walking Under Ladder Award
for having the worst luck of any human being in recorded history
Winner: Sete Gibernau
Sete was a late developer, but his battles with Rossi in 2003 and 2004 ranked him alongside Randy Mamola and Max Biaggi in the list of fastest riders never to win a championship. However, his 2006 season brings to mind the old cliche, "If he didn't have bad luck, he'd have no luck at all." Mechanical failure in the 1st race of the season while battling for the win. Serious collar bone damage in the Catalunya crash. Ambulance crashing on the way out of the circuit. Taken out (and landing on his collar bone) by his replacement Casey Stoner, ending his career. Life just isn't fair sometimes. Hopefully Sete has used up all his bad luck and has a happy retirement, because he's one of the good guys.

Propane and Propane Accessories Award
for services to the American South
Winner: Nicky Hayden
We heard a lot of Nicky's Kentucky drawl this year, especially in his emotional post-Estoril interview. The Kentucky Kid shows the kind of hard work and honesty that other nationalities just can't do without irony. As Nicky said, "I believe that good things happen to good people." Amen to that, brother.