Friday, December 28, 2007

MotoGP Armchair Awards 2007

Here are the MotoGP awards that the so-called journalists don't give, so it's up to this ranting blogger.

Deja Vu All Over Again Award
for failing to change the bloody record
Winner: Casey Stoner
Casey was a revelation in 2007. Sure, the Ducati's the best bike, but tiny superhero Loris had one too, and he didn't run off with the world title. It was amazing to see the babyfaced Aussie racking up statistics that put him up with the true greats. For a while. Then it started to get a bit dull. With his challengers' challenges misfiring horribly due to poor machinery, tyres and taxes, Stoner just couldn't stop winning by miles. At least Rossi used to play with his opponents before destroying them. You're brilliant, Casey. Just try to entertain us a bit more from now on!

Michael Jackson Award
for living in an alternate reality
Winners: Casey Stoner Fans
At the last GP in Valencia, miniscule robo-genius Dani Pedrosa was fastest for the entire weekend. He was truly incredible, wringing times out of the Honda that it just didn't want to do. In the race, he blew everybody away. So why the hell do Stoner fans keep claiming that Casey let Dani win, just to annoy Rossi by pushing him to 3rd in the championship? Stoner is clearly the kind of rider that considers 2nd place to be the fastest of the pathetic, waste-of-space losers. I'm damned if he's ever finished 2nd voluntarily in his life, or ever will. Valentino Rossi is no different, 2nd place may as well be 35,oooth place as far as he's concerned. So come on, Stoner fans. Admit that on that day in Valencia, the best (and tiniest) man won.

Paper Bag Award
for saving us from the sight of Uccio's face
Winner: Adriana Stoner
During the Rossi era, we have been subjected to TV directors constantly cutting to Valentino's pit garage, where our senses were assaulted by the sight of Vale's tubby, identically-dressed best pal Allessio "Uccio" Salucci. Now, I'm sure Uccio is a nice lad, but it was always somewhat distressing to be watching him instead of the race. However, this year we rarely saw the Italian chubster. I would've settled for a paper bag on his head, but instead we were treated to something far better: Adriana Stoner. The Australian stunner makes the grid girls look like a real pack of growlers, and it was never anything other than a pleasure to see her beautiful visage instead of a bunch of guys zooming around in circles on motorcycles.

Ninja Turtle Award
for the most bodacious display of awesomeness, dude!
Winner: John Hopkins
Dude, those stand-up wheelies were, like, totally awesome! I mean... Dude! It was a good year for Hopper as he moved ever closer to the front of the pack on his Suzuki. Even better were the hundreds of yards long, stand-up wheelies that the Anglo-Californian treated us to whenever possible. Let's hope he has reason to do even more of them next year, when he will actually be dressed in green and sitting on a bike with "Ninja" painted on it.

You Are Feeling Sleepy Award

for best display of hypnosis
Winner: Colin Edwards
How does Colin keep getting rides in MotoGP? Don't get me wrong, I like Colin a lot. He's clearly one of the nicest and funniest guys in the paddock. He was an outstanding World Superbike rider, but probably moved to MotoGP a bit too late. Since then, he has amassed a grand total of zero victories and spent much of his time being outclassed by Valentino Rossi, keeping younger riders out of a seat. For the 2008 season, Yamaha have parachuted him into the Tech 3 team. The only explanation I can think of is that Colin is an expert in hypnosis. When the team bosses sit him down to fire him at the end of the year, he says "Look into my eyes... Y'all are feeling very sleepy... When y'all wake up, y'all will think I am a real great development rider, I tell you what..." Before they know it, they are holding a notarized copy of Colin's cast-iron contract and wondering what the hell they were drinking last night.

Versailles Treaty Award
for giving the Germans a good kicking when they're down
winner: Sylvain Guintoli
Poor old Alex Hofmann. Not only is he not that quick, but he also had a terrible year for injuries. Firstly, a friend slammed one of his hands in a car door (Zees ees ein funny German joke, ja?) Then he had to put up with Flying Frog Sylvain Guintoli's act of revenge for Germany's repeated invasions of La France. The Frenchman might have been taking thinking lessons from his countryman Randy de Puniet as he braked about a hundred yards too late at the Laguna Seca Corkscrew, slamming into the hapless Hofmann and stabbing him through the hand with his brake lever. The German was furious, especially since the American marshals failed to call for medical help (the radio frequency was too congested with their supersized lunch orders.) Hofmann's boss Luis d'Antin was so outraged that he fired the German and hired Sylvain. Expect to see Alex developing the new BMW Superbike in a new quest for world domination.

Kurtis Roberts Award
for being as slow and stupid as Kurtis Roberts
Winner: Kurtis Roberts
The most disgraceful injustice of the 800cc era is the screwing of Team Roberts. King Kenny was stuck with engines that you wouldn't put in a lawnmower as they couldn't reliably produce the required 3bhp. However, the King only made things worse on himself by hiring his son Kurtis. Not only was he slow, but at one point he was downright dangerous. Dim-wittedly shutting off the power on the racing line, and dopily looking round to see who was going to crash into him in a practise session at Laguna Seca was unforgivable. Italian Stallion Marco Melandri drew the short straw, clipping Kurtis and suffering a hideous crash that broke his ankle (being Marco, he still finished 3rd.) Valentino Rossi was so angry that he bitched, "riders who arrive 13th in Superstock should not be allowed into MotoGP." Sorry, Kurtis, but most of us agree with Vale on this one.

Youtube Award
for being as funny as a cat falling into a fish tank
Winner: Dani Pedrosa
MotoGP bikes have a ludicrous amount of electrickery these days. You wanna get the perfect start? Simply press the right buttons, twist the grip all the way round then let go of the clutch. The machine fires itself off the line and heads for the horizon. Except when it all goes a bit wrong. In this Youtube clip, young Dani showed us what happens when you don't press the right buttons. Note John Hopkins in the background aborting his own practise start while he tries to stop laughing.


Rob J Jones said...

I'm liking the Paper Bag Award: Italian chubster - classic. My own addition would be the Sid James Blatant Letchery Award for the MotoGP cameramen who seem to spend the entire three days of the MotoGP camped in the Ducati garage with Adriana Stoner and her legs always in shot. Ingrid Capirossi must have been a bit put out, but I'm not complaining.

Jimmy said...

Nice one. Only trouble is, I think I'd have to give myself a Sid James award too!

Anonymous said...

I realized your comments are all in fun but I thought you might be interested in the real story behind this:

"The German was furious, especially since the American marshals failed to call for medical help (the radio frequency was too congested with their supersized lunch orders.)

Well, American marshals DO like our lunch, preferably accompianied by a nice Coca Cola or perhaps some of our piss-water beer... but in fact we did request an ambulance for Hoffman.

Unfortunately there is no access road for the outside of the Corkscrew at Laguna so rolling an ambulance would have required stopping the practice session and closing the track.

Despite the recommendations of the EMT treating Hoffman, race control (the DORNA professionals, not us lowly-but-well-fed volunteers) were reluctant to stop the session until poor Alex had bled out a little.

I imagine that if it had been Rossi or Pedrosa the response might have been different.

Jimmy said...

If anybody else spots a factual error in this post, please let me know. I try to maintain Wikipedia-like standards of accuracy at all times.

Jimmy said...

Oh yeah, and I did know that it was race control's fault, as I said in the race report.