Top 5 Reasons Why Rossi Won't Do F1

The old rumours about Valentino Rossi moving to Boremula One are doing the rounds again, even though we all know he won't do it. Here are the top 5 reasons why Vale will never lower himself to competing in F1.

1. MotoGP might be dull and predictable in the 800cc era, but Formula 1 makes it look like pure chaos. The whole F1 circus disappeared up its own rear end many years ago, turning to pit-lane "overtaking", and is now soul-destroyingly tedious to watch. Vale couldn't bear it.
   
   
2. Rossi is too interesting. F1 drivers make Dani Pedrosa look like the life and soul of the party. They are the most boring bunch of platitude-mouthing, smug, punchable dullards ever assembled outside of parliament.
   
   
3. F1 isn't customizable enough. A MotoGP rider gets to customize his leathers, which are on show all the time. Rossi's are covered in luminous yellow. MotoGP race numbers are also customized, like Rossi's huge yellow 46. F1 drivers get to customize the bits of their crash lid in between the corporate logos, and if they're lucky they get different coloured wing mirrors to their team mate. Their race numbers are all but invisible amongst the sponsorship decals. Too uniform for Valentino.
   
   
4. The F1 paddock is too obsessed with appearances. Drivers don't have their tubby former school pals to help them out, they have their inflatable blonde du jour standing in the garage pretending that she knows what's going on. Uccio just wouldn't fit in.
   
   
5. Rossi isn't good enough at tax evasion. This is the one area where F1 drivers truly excel. Witness Lewis Hamilton moving straight to Switzerland when he got famous. OK, Lewis told arrogant lies on a popular TV chat show about it being a move to avoid the paparazzi, becoming unpopular with the British public in the process, but he never took his eye off the goal of avoiding taxes. Rossi is rubbish at tax avoidance. He would be laughed out of the F1 paddock.